Unexpectedly, today we met a guest who was lying flat.
I have always encouraged more women to move forward boldly, hoping to record the precious "step forward" taken by those professional women, so as to inspire more ordinary you and me and pick up the courage to move forward.
As the book "Step Forward" says:
Women are not without leadership, but afraid to let go of their dreams. As long as they boldly sit at the table,Participation can bring about change.
But this time, our guest Zhang Chun said that the word "step forward" made her have to be alert-
Is it wrong for a woman to stand still, lie down and cry, and not take a step forward?
Is there only one way for women to move forward?
This is an opportunity for us to collide.
Who is Zhang Chun?
Maybe many people know her because of an advertisement.
She talked about the "double bondage" of secular views on women:
You should have a career, but not too much;
You want to be beautiful, but loving beauty too much is vanity.
It seems that everything women do is wrong.
Source: Polaiya
She is a writer and a psychological counselor, and this kind of gender observation comes from her work.
Because the ratio of male to female visitors is about 1:9, a vivid sample of women shows her that there is a kind of depression called "Female depression”。
Walking as a woman for 40 years, her own experience made her realize a truth:
“Men and women do not live in the same world."
I’m curious, in the wave of encouraging women to go up, why did she loudly say "women can stand still and cry while lying down"? What kind of female world does she see?
Based on this, I had a two-hour conversation with Zhang Chun.
I hope this article today can give you a new perspective and a healing massage.
The following is Zhang Chun’s self-report.
Two gender situations
Step forward?
Now that I hear this, all my alarm bells ring.
Everyone is telling women to move forward, to succeed, to stand up, to become professional women … to stand up, does that mean that it is wrong to sit, squat and lie down?
Any suggestion contains a hidden word, which is "should".
"You should …" We’ve heard so many words.
But I think, instead of telling women "how to make progress", telling women "You have the right to make any choice."The voice is even rarer.
But we need such a voice, instead of finding fault with women again.
Source: TV series "Big and Small Lies"
I am 40 years old this year, and I may have experienced a proposition for the first 38 years of my life:
What the hell am I suffering from?
How did this pain happen? How to describe and describe it? What do they have in common with women and what are their differences?
And why are men so different? How is his coolness cool? What’s his pain like? How is it different from mine?
These doubts come from what I see every day.
For example, if you see such a news-The 70-year-old woman picked up garbage in the middle of the night and was chopped many times. She died on the spot.
What will I notice?
I will notice that this is a woman, a woman who was killed outside in the middle of the night. I can’t help but substitute myself and I will be afraid.
But if the news describes it this way—The man committed a crime at 3 am and was arrested and brought to justice in less than an hour.
The subject changed from a murdered woman to a punished man. I don’t immediately feel "I’m in danger", but I know that criminals will pay the price.
But the news you usually see is almost always the former narrative.
Source: Network
I can’t name the specific news that scared me, but when a woman grew up seeing such news subjects and narratives, she naturally knew:
The world is dangerous, I have to be careful, be careful.
This is women’s daily life, and many women have been looking for an effective strategy to protect themselves in such a threatening atmosphere all their lives.
We are afraid that the courier will see that there is no man at home. Girls who live alone should hang some men’s clothes on the balcony and put a pair of men’s slippers at the door … These self-protection skills are being learned by girls since childhood.
According to my observation, all women have the ability to automatically distinguish "what I do to make others comfortable and what I do to make others uncomfortable".
They will automatically know what they can do to be safer and not put themselves in danger.
Source: TV series "Big and Small Lies"
Maybe you always think that you live in the same world as men, but this is not the case.
The world of women and men has its own narrative. The huge difference in logic determines that what women and men see is an absolutely different world.
The narrative of the female world is: I can’t do anything until I am allowed, and it is repeatedly and explicitly allowed.
The male narrative is: I can do anything until I am stopped, and it is repeatedly stopped until I pay an unbearable price.
A typical example is Wang Sicong’s bitter pursuit of Sun Yining.
Sun Yining has told Wang Sicong many times that he is not interested in him, doesn’t want to see him, and doesn’t want to be his girlfriend, but Wang Sicong seems completely inaudible.
It was not until Sun Yining exposed the chat record and tore her face that Wang Sicong realized that she was really boring to herself.
It’s not just "Wang Sicong". Most men around ordinary women are like this.
I met one on the Internet. I scold him and blacken him every day, but he can still find me again in various ways.
I said there was no possibility with him, but he said:
"I think we are very likely, because you don’t scold others, you only scold me like this. This is a preference, and you can’t have no feelings for me."
I’m really amazed.
Source: TV series "My Genius Girlfriend"
This is indeed the case in men’s world. It is all "I can" until the unbearable price is stopped.
Women are cautious, and they are all "I can’t" until they are explicitly allowed.
The difference between the two kinds of thinking fundamentally leads to two completely different gender situations-
You have your mountain, I have my disaster, and both men and women are trapped in their respective genders.
Twisted women
One day, I saw a poster on the wall of the hospital, which read:
"Pain relief is the basic right of patients."
This sentence triggered an earthquake in my heart, which made me feel so fresh.
I have been suffering from various chronic pain diseases, but I never thought that I could have the right to ask for no pain.
If pain relief is a basic right, can women’s menstrual pain be exempted?
If exempting dysmenorrhea is a basic right, then why do all women tolerate it as usual?
So that when it comes to dysmenorrhea, someone will say, "Drink more hot water and just bear it."
Why are there so many patients with dysmenorrhea, but there is no special treatment department?
Even why does it seem to many people that even childbirth, which is extremely painful to the mother, should be, must, can’t complain and don’t have to be exempted?
I suddenly realized that these are all violence, telling women that your feelings are not important.
There is more common physical violence, which is the humiliation of women’s body, appearance and sexual value.
"You shouldn’t be so fat."
"You should be whiter."
"If you want to wear this underwear, it will look fuller, and if you wear that one, it will look thinner and colder."
……
All these are telling women that your body doesn’t belong to you.
Although I began to consciously use the gender perspective in these three or five years, understanding the differences between the two sexes began when I knew I was a girl, and even then I didn’t necessarily have memories.
I believe other women are the same.
At the moment you were born, the doctor picked you up, patted your ass and said, "Wow, it’s a big fat son" or "it’s a little princess".
At that time, the response from all the people around you was already educating you about gender.
Some fathers saw that it was a girl and fainted on the spot; Some mothers immediately shed tears and said, "What a girl!".
Whether she is an expected child or not, girls can realize it subtly very early.
When they grow up, adults teach their children to know their own bodies. When they see the little boy, they will say:
"Look, this is your little ear, nose and mouth, this is your little hand and arm, and this is your little * * (private part), your calf and foot …"
But when teasing little girls, they will say:
"These are your little eyes and ears, your little arms, hands and navel, and your calves and feet …"
At that moment, the girl could not speak or read, but she knew that one part of her body was taboo.
What is more shameful than keeping a certain part of your body secret?
Source: TV series "My Genius Girlfriend"
This is the beginning of our understanding of our female identity, and it is also the beginning of our being concealed and bound.
Based on this, most of the female visitors I met had a kind of gender-specific depression, and I named it "female depression".
They came to me with the same question-"Should I not feel this way?"
Because the education they have experienced is telling them:
You don’t know how you feel.
You know how you feel, but you shouldn’t feel that way.
You can feel it, but you shouldn’t say it.
You have feelings, but your feelings are not important.
These all point to "you shouldn’t" can’t "and" don’t allow ",and all true feelings are erased.
For example, a woman who has been subjected to domestic violence is asking, "Is this my problem?" Before, they would ask: "Is it a domestic violence that I encountered?"
When feelings are blurred, women don’t know if they are hurt, which is very common in daily life.
Source: TV series "My Genius Girlfriend"
The little girl in kindergarten was pigtailed. She cried and she was sad, but the adults told her that "people like you". How can she tell the harm?
The normalized violence experienced by women is based on this.
From feeling physical violence, women are shaped from the inside out.
No one listens to what they say. They have to say a word 300 times, and they have to shout and smash things at the same time, so that someone will realize that women are speaking.
They are abused by domestic violence, and some people will say, "Did you annoy him?" "Just bear it with the family."
Women’s lives are "distorted" and they don’t know how to define their bodies and feelings, thus entering a kind of "spiritual collapse".
Some of them may seem to have a good life, but they will still fall into depression and be unhappy.
The real "step forward"
I heard a visitor say:
"I can’t see the model bloggers who know life, travel and do accounts. They are anxious at first sight. All their photos and videos are telling me that I am not living right."
Of course, I believe that there must be some women who will be inspired by these role models, so as to "step forward" and do something to make her feel better.
But at the same time, there must be others who feel disciplined, condemned and criticized by these shiny things, but they usually don’t make a sound.
Those voices that are active and make many changes are certainly good, and it has also formed a torrent.
It is also the true feelings and choices of some women that they cannot be pushed to take a step forward.
It’s just that there are too few voices encouraging women to tell their true feelings, and they are more asked.
But there is no end to meeting the requirements of the outside world.
Source: TV series "My Genius Girlfriend"
You can imagine a woman who has to deal with many people for a long time and accept the demands of voices from all directions, and these voices are bound to conflict.
Some people told her to be careful, while others told her to be bold.
This incident made her speak cautiously, and that project made her bold.
I think all girls should have heard a saying:You’d better be a civil servant, a doctor and a teacher. ……
This is the requirement of many people for her to be a "wife" in the future.
But on the other hand, women have been educated and gone to college, and they have seen many successful women live in various ways.
They say that a girl’s life is more than that. Don’t just try to be stable, but imagine more possibilities.
And today’s requirements for women are:
You should be a professional woman who takes a step forward and an all-round housewife; It is necessary to bear all responsibilities, but also to be emotionally stable and quiet.
There is a tear between the left and right everywhere.
Her self is shaking more and more in these tears, shaking to a certain extent, and it is broken.
The next step may be to become depressed.
That’s why I’m so wary of "step forward", of orders packaged as proposals, and of what should be hidden behind suggestions.
I don’t think it is necessary for women to live an independent, beautiful and successful life if they really take a step forward.
But you firmly believe that you are right no matter what you choose, you must have your reasons, and you have the right to go back on your word after you choose.
This "step forward" is a person’s subjectivity and interpretation right, and does not let liberation become a new bundle.
Source: TV series "My Genius Girlfriend"
There is violence, distortion and deception around us. I also have great anger at the world and want to do something that I think is right.
For example, when I saw a man urinating on the side of the road, I stopped him. Even when I did this for the first time, I was ready to fight, but after stopping him, it was really cool.
Of course, sometimes I just don’t want to get high. Today, I feel that I don’t love the world, and it’s not worth doing any construction here, so I choose to ruin it and do nothing.
The point is, I know I made the right choice.
Some time ago, there were several violent incidents against women. Like my visitors, I was inevitably angry and disappointed, as if I had been touched by all the traumatic experiences in the past.
During the most sad "beating incident", during the 20-minute break between each consultation, I would open the video of President Zhang Guimei’s examination submission for a while.
I saw her doing the same thing day after day, sending the girls out of the mountains, but the fate of the girls who took the college entrance examination was different.
Source: People’s Daily
But more often I will remind myself:I’m fine. I don’t have to be perfect.
As women, we are not destroyed by those cruel things, which is something we should be proud of forever.
There will never be a correct and successful answer to women’s way forward.
Remember, taking a step forward is to get back your rights, which is your choice and always right.
Light up at the end of the text[Forward]+[Like], encourage each other.
This article is reproduced from WeChat WeChat official account: Her Magazine with authorization. Source of this article: network, if there is any infringement, please contact to delete.